The current state of my pissed off psyche/the world.

You know that feeling when sometimes you wonder if you’re alone in this thing? That feeling you get when you hear the latest political drama, or about someone else who has been diagnosed with Cancer or passed away? That bottomless pit of emptiness, the utter feeling of despair and feeling of complete uselessness. I’ve been there many times and my most recent voyage was just a few weeks ago. I sunk into the despair of, what is the point of this life if we are not serving others or serving some higher purpose? I know there are those of you who can relate. I compare it to the feeling of unrequited love, which I’ve also had the unfortunate experience of recently. It’s like loving someone, seeing something no one else can see, whether in that person or in your union with that person. Being willing to give someone literally everything that makes you the amazing human being you are. Then having that person turn around and make you feel like you’re an idiot, that damn crazy woman. Where you blind? Where you dumb? Where you wanting to see something that wasn’t there? It’s the worst, very few things on the planet can fuck you up like that. I blame it on culture and society but whatever, either way, we’ve all been there and done that and been left with the what now feeling in the pit of our stomach.

Wanting to change the world or feel like you’re not living the life you’re meant to, feels very similar. Waking up every day and just going through the motions with no sense of fulfillment or purpose. It can be excruciatingly painful, it can make you question your sanity and even as many people I both know and have heard of, your will to live. Things are rapidly deteriorating on so many levels all around us, and though there are so many amazing people up to amazing things, when we walk out of our doors, what I see everywhere are people concerned with mere survival, financial success, the next big move they can brag about to their friends and family. There is nothing wrong with that, but it bothers me personally. People are dying, women are losing their rights, racism is louder than ever in my lifetime. Doesn’t everyone else see the world is on literal fire? I know I’m not alone, and I’m not claiming to be alone in this at all. Where is the revolution? Why do I constantly feel this push that there is much more I/we can be doing?  Where is the we are not doing this anymore outrage, not just from politicians and celebrities but everyday people just like the Parkland students. I considered making a YouTube video this week urging us all to just stop. Stop going to work, stop shopping, stop going to school, just stop the world. What would happen?  I know there would be several concerns etc… but shit, all revolutions have to start somewhere, and I don’t think there is any better way to collapse a structure that no longer serves the people. Of course when I think of what peoples reactions would be to this, it’s scary.  Though what else is there to do? Wait for the next election? Screw that, we all know damn well that isn’t going to fix much, especially at the rate things are deteriorating.

I personally think our elders, like those way, way back… had it right. Living off the land, listening to the starts and the moon. Simple, humble and grateful. I personally am yearning for that. I’m talking to the Universe right now. Rather I’m screaming at it. I talk to the moon all the time, I ask for guidance, I ask for strength and I ask for the courage to do what I’m called to do every single fucking day. I want to impact the world, but for right now, I can impact one person at a time and honestly, I’ve been doing that for quite some time now. I must often remind myself that matters too and to do the best we can with what we’ve got. Even if it doesn’t feel like enough.

I wasn’t going to post this until after what I discovered this evening, so please excuse any grammatical errors, I currently don’t give a shit about grammar. All I cared about was letting this out. Today I found out a very successful restaurant in my neighborhood, is currently paying some of their illegal workers $50 per week. The rest of this employees pay is tips. Literally every curse word in the book and then fuck you that the elite don’t benefit off illegal immigration. Let me leave it at this. If just illegal immigrants were to do what I suggested above, stop working, stop paying bills etc.. The nation would be at a standstill. Be well all.